Ten ways to humiliate your woman in bed.
Are you having relationship problems? Want me to kill your girlfriend? I would, if it weren’t for that pesky little thing called “jailtime.” But I’ll make it up to you by putting together a list of ten things you can do to exact revenge on her. The trick is to let her fall into a false sense of security, then you’ve got her right where you want her. And where do women feel the safest? That’s right, in bed. TRY THESE.
10. The Donkey Punch
This one is a classic, not to mention an all-time GorillaMask favorite. When you’re doing your woman doggystyle, wait until you’re just about to blow, then hit her in the head. HARD. Her state of unconsciousness will cause her vagina to naturally tighten up. SCORE!
9. The Dirty Sanchez
Once again, get your woman in the doggystyle position. You’ll need a more liberal chick for this one, as it requires you to put your finger in her ass for the duration of intercourse. When you’re done, quickly wipe your brownest finger across her top lip. You think you want to get away from your woman after sex now? Wait until she’s got a shitty mustache.
8. The Dutch Oven
This is the only non-sexual entry on the list, as I’ve done it to many guys in my day during sleepovers. When you’re laying in bed with your woman, and you’ve got a juicy fart coming… let it rip. Just be sure to cutoff all escape routes the air may have. Then shove your woman’s head under the covers and don’t let her out until she’s pukes. If you’ve got some big balls, tell her she can’t get back in bed until she washes the sheets.
7. The Strawberry Sundae
The next time your girl is giving you oral pleasure, try this one out. Just when you’re about to blow, tell her to look up at you because you want to see how beautiful she is. Then punch her in the nose and spooge all over her face. The combination of red and white looks a lot like a strawberry sundae…
6. The Angry Pirate
The next time your girl gives you a blowjob, tell her beforehand you don’t want to finish in her mouth. She’s gladly oblige. When you do finish, pull out and force it into her eye. When she’s stumbling around, kick her in the shin as hard as you can. Then run. As you’re leaving, turn around, and if you’ve done everything correctly you should see an angry, one-eyed, peg-legged pirate.
5. The Bucking Bronco
Another one to do during doggystyle. While you’re going at it extra hard, grab on to your girlfriend’s breasts and tell her that her sister’s are much firmer. Then try to hold on for eight seconds, rodeo style. This one works extra well if her sister is dead. What? Jesus, that was just wrong.
4. The Gorilla Mask
You didn’t think I named my website after a monkey, did you? Take your chick and go through the normal Donkey Punch routine… except this time when she’s knocked out you blow your load all over her face. Shave her pubes, stick them on her grill before the jizz dries, and… there you have a GORILLA MASK.
3. The U-Turn
The next time your girl is giving you head, pull out and shoot it up her nostril. Try to get so much force behind it that it comes out the other one. Wow, that takes talent.
2. The Rusty Trombone
Next time your girl makes you settle for a handjob, tell her you want The Rusty Trombone. Make her eat your ass and give you a reach-around. HAHAHAHA HOLY SHIT THAT FEELS GOOD.
1. The Beverly Hills Whiffer
Does your girlfriend really need to be put in her place? This one is perfect. The next time she lets you do her doggystle, stick your finger in her ass just like you’re performing The Dirty Sanchez. Scrape as much as you can out of there, and when you’re about to blow grab her hair and pull her head back. Stick one finger in each nostril and yell "So, you still think your shit don't stink?!"